I Didn’t Mean To Break Your Heart

I’ve enjoyed reading about the lost loves of both Lanea Stagg and Deborah Nam-Krane in the past two days.  But I have to confess: I’m feeling a bit of guilt over the subject matter I’ve chosen to write about on this “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” blog hop.  I think it’s because my old love helped me get through one of the darkest times of my life, so admitting that I’m no longer a fan feels a bit like a betrayal. But honesty has become something that is lauded (and oddly debauched) these days, so I might as well come to terms with it.

In the early spring of 1999 my first marriage ended. Don’t get uncomfortable. This post isn’t about him or us. It’s about how I coped with the complete disappearance of the life I had envisioned at the time.  There was one deliberate decision I made during the packing of the “this is mine – that is yours” boxes that made everything easier. Though I knew full well that my ex was the driving force behind the purchase of one specific CD, I slipped it in with my things. Maybe out of spite? Okay, it was entirely out of spite. But that decision led me down a path of fandom that could have lived still to this day…except…well I’ll get to that later.

The CD was Stunt by the Barenaked Ladies. Yeah. You just take that in. I’ll give you a moment.

Ya ready?

OK let’s get into it then. At this stage in the Canadian band’s career, they were finally getting a taste of the popularity that had consistently eluded them in the United States.  It was an exciting time. The guys were young and free spirited. Their music was witty and fun. It was everything I needed to feel hopeful again. So I pretty much wore the disc out.

Months later, I was working a temp job in my old hometown. It was mindless work – slapping labels on court folders – so those of us that were able to multitask were chatting about various things. I don’t recall who brought up the Barenaked Ladies first, myself, or the guy at the other end of the table, but as the conversation went on, it became clear that he was not just a casual fan, but rather a full-fledged aficionado. This knowledge paired with the discovery that I had attended high school with his lovely wife made us fast friends. Friends don’t let friends go through life believing that Stunt is the best the Barenaked Ladies had to offer, so Matt and Kellie convinced me to join them for the band’s Maroon tour stop in Cleveland.

Oh. My. God.

I was blown away. I mean, completely blown away by the energy, the camaraderie, the Kraft dinner pelting me in the back of the head. It was a life-changing experience. I left that arena determined to soak up every album they had ever recorded prior and every album they ever would release ever until the end of time ever. Ever.

My fandom knew no bounds.

I bought every CD. I joined the fan forum. I saved up vacation time to follow them on three consecutive tour dates. The guy from the 90210 Peach Pit highlighted them in a documentary but only released it in the UK and instead of accepting that I just couldn’t have that one piece of memorabilia, I befriended a guy in Colorado that mailed me a VHS copy at no charge.

I was relentless.

Me being relentless with Tyler Stewart and Kevin Hearn and enourmous glasses.

Their sound evolved and I evolved with them. Their material got political and I got political with them. They threw together a kids album and I…I…

I just couldn’t relate anymore.

I tried. I really did. But…7 “ate” 9? I’m all for whimsy, but there’s nothing sadder than forced whimsy. And this felt very forced.

As it turned out, it kind of was. Steven Page had a little run-in with the law and left the band within the next year.  While the remaining members have been successfully carrying on without him, it’s just never been the same for me. I have officially fallen out of love.

I guess there’s not much else to say to them except, “Thanks. That was fun.”

Be sure to visit Jami’s blog tomorrow to see what just doesn’t do it for her anymore.

The Return of Inevitability

With the return of warmer, longer days, comes the return of something I dread even more than standing in line at the DMV or scraping gum off the bottom of my shoe...yard work.  Sigh.  This afternoon I hung up my fancy Easter dress in exchange for my rattiest tank top and yoga pants and ventured outside.  It was...grassy, and dirty, and sweaty, and inevitable.

But another inevitability of the spring and summer months is lounging on the back deck with a good book.  Which makes it super convenient that my friend, Deborah Nam Krane is releasing the 5th volume in her New Pioneers series, The Golden Boy Returns, tomorrow! WooHoo! So looking forward to diving into this one with a Seersucker in one hand and the sun over my shoulder.

Every game has its rules...and everyone who plays has to admit they want to win.

Click through one of the links below if you'd like to check it out, too!

Amazon | Barnes and Noble |Kobo |Smashwords | iTunes

Happy Reading!

Cucumber and Time Travel

Part of my husband's extravagant dinner Tuesday evening involved a micro cucumber - an entire cucumber, including the blossom, condensed into the size of one bite.

The part of me that squeals with delight any time I see something in miniature form actually did squeal with delight.

The part of me that is grown-up and curious about each new food my chef husband allows me to sample also squealed with delight.

Let's face it, I'll never have a dignified response to anything. Ever.

But once I stopped squealing and actually popped the micro-cucumber in my mouth, I was brought to tears. Not because it tasted so good. It was more than good.

The tears were because, in my mind, I was instantly transported to my paternal grandmother's kitchen on any given summer day from my youth.

I could feel the weight of the screen door in my hand, hear it clap shut behind me as I climbed the back stairs. I could hear her sweet, shaky voice greeting me with so much love and tenderness. I could feel the breeze flowing through the whole house, carrying with it the overpowering smell of boiled potatoes and chopped cucumbers.

It seemed she was always making potato salad. Enough to feed a family of nine. Even though all seven kids were grown and off raising families of their own. 

It was nice to be reminded of those days in such an unexpected way. I wonder where/when my next dinner will take me?

I Met a Man Who Wasn't There

Many thanks to Deborah Nam-Krane for asking me to participate in another blog hop. We're discussing plot twists once again, but this time, the BEST ones. I've decided to reach deep into the archives to talk about a film from 2003 called "Identity."

Full discolsure: The first time I decided to watch this movie, I knew nothing about it except that it starred John Cusack.To this day, that criteria still holds up if you're trying to get me to see a film. 

Me: Who's in it?

Anybody: John Cusack.

Me: I'm in.

So, I went blindly into this viewing experience and I'm not ashamed to say, I was blown away. It started out like a typical slasher/suspense movie - yawn. But then it handed me not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR major plot twists that I did NOT see coming.

Let's dig into the details. (I should shout "SPOILER ALERT," but let's be honest. You've had 12 years to give this one a go. If you haven't seen it by now, you probably weren't going to anyway, so just read on.)

As I said before, the film starts out in typical slasher/suspense style. A group of ten people who wouldn't normally cross each other's paths are stranded together at a roadside hotel with no outside communication due to torrential downpours and flooding. One by one, the guests are picked off by a violent killer, leaving the others to frantically figure out who's behind it and why.

Cusack's main character, Ed Dakota, takes charge of the situation alongside Officer Rhodes, who discovers the criminal he was transporting has escaped from his toilet/jail cell. 

Naturally, it is assumed at this point that the criminal is behind the body count. So they track him down and lock him up and leave the unreliable hotel clerk to keep an eye on him. Ah. Guess they can all relax and just wait for the storm to blow over, eh? Shew!

I mean, just look at him. Of course he's the killer.

Nope.  It's time for major plot twist number one, in which the poor convict is found having been forced to swallow a baseball bat. Yes. I said swallow a baseball bat. It's gruesome and I wouldn't recommend it unless you're on that Louisville Slugger diet plan that's sweeping the nation.

So, what should be a "whodunit" turns into an "eff this, I'm outta here" for a few characters whose sloppy exits become super sloppy causing their accidental deaths. Mild-mannered George, hysterical Ginny and mute little Timmy are all gone due to the chaos.  Those remaining get really confused when the dead bodies disappear and the killer's calling cards, numbered room keys counting down from 10, are found even at the scenes of the accidental deaths.

"That's not possible...we all saw what happened!" -Paris

Which leads, or rather pulls Ed right into plot twist number two.  In a search to determine what directly the crap is going on, Ed steps away from the others and finds himself transported to a courtroom, where it is revealed that all of the characters at the hotel are personalities that have been created in the mind of Malcom Rivers, a man who is the subject of an emergency hearing that could save him from execution.  The man's psychiatrist tasks Ed with ensuring that the personality that is killing off all of the others does not survive.

"WTF did you do to my face?!?"-Ed, seeing Malcom's reflection instead of his own in the window

While we're all still reeling from that kick in the nuts, Paris, one of the remaining personalities rummages her way through the glove compartment of the police car to bring us plot twist number three.  Rhodes isn't a cop at all. *GASP*  He's actually a prisoner who was being transported along with the bat boy. He murdered the real officer in an attempt to escape but didn't get very far because of the flooding. 

Ed comes back to the hotel, and is fatally shot while killing Rhodes, who we all now believe to be the violent personality behind it all, leaving sweet former prostitute Paris as the last known personality. Malcom Rivers is saved from execution. Paris drives off to her orange grove in Florida to live happily ever after.

Until...she digs up plot twist number four in her yard, a red room key.  She looks up to see little Timmy standing overhead to deliver his one and only line in the movie...

What the what?!?! Yeah. I totally did not see that one coming. And neither did the psychiatrist who winds up killed by Malcom who is now and will forever be controlled by Timmy, that mute little bastard.

You really do have to keep an eye on the quiet ones.

Thanks for reading! Please stop by Jami Deise's blog on December 1st to see what she what kind of twister gets to her.

May the 4th Be With You!

Whether you love the franchise or just enjoy a witty play on words, you’re probably aware that today has become a pretty important day in Star Wars fandom. If you’re not so fond of either, you probably wince a bit more each time you hear one of us say, “May the 4th be with you!”

Whenever I think about Star Wars, I think back to rainy days in elementary school - those days when it was just too dreary to go out on the playground after lunch, so our teachers would pack us all into one classroom and wheel in the old A/V cart.

It's a thing of beauty!

Many times, the cart meant a few Looney Tunes cartoons or an episode of The Letter People. But if Mr. Moravetz was wheeling in the cart, we knew we’d be watching Star Wars.  Going off topic a bit, I just have to say that John (Jack) Moravetz was the best teacher I ever had, not just because he let us watch Star Wars again and again, but because he took the time to know and understand each one of us. I distinctly remember him calling me up to his desk after I had spectacularly failed my first assignment in long division.  The first words out of his mouth were, “Now, I don’t want you to cry, Kerrie,” which, of course we both knew was inevitable. I had never failed an assignment in my 9-year life. He knew how much it mattered to me. And he promised to find a different way to explain the concept so I would understand it. And he did. And I wish I could have thanked him today, but sadly, he’s off exploring another galaxy far, far away.

Back to the classroom: That floor might have been as cold as an ice block and my bottom may have been completely numb, but I never cared. Han and Chewie were saving the galaxy (with a little help from R2D2, Leia, Luke and C3PO, listed in order of importance. It’s not up for discussion.) I was riveted. It was dangerous and exciting.  It was an escape from the awkward reality of everything that third grade encompassed.  But I didn't just dream and escape when I watched Star Wars.  During those rainy recess periods I witnessed the constant struggle of good versus evil, I learned about the necessity of loyal friendship, and I figured out exactly the kind of guy I wanted to marry.

Scoundrel I thought I'd marry on the left. Scoundrel I actually married on the right.

That’s right, kids. Star Wars shaped me into the woman I am today. *gasp* *shudder* *applaud*

So, when I say, “May the 4^th be with you,” I'm not just simply geeking out over a really great pun.  I'm also wishing for you to be brave. Be awesome. Be good. Be loyal. Be lovable.  Today and every day.

I Got a Bottle of Schnapps and Half a Rhubarb Pie - Guess What I Saw Coming

I am about to admit something that will probably make you think less of me.  I…am not always offended by a predictable plot twist.

Please don’t take that to mean I’m gullible or feeble minded. I often can see the plot twist coming – I just don’t mind it.  Maybe it makes me feel like a genius because I figured it out before the big reveal. Maybe it makes me feel better about the stories I’ve contrived in my own head. Or maybe, even when I know what’s coming, I’m able to just sit back and be entertained.

I’d like to think it’s the latter. I grew up in a family that really enjoyed movies.  Money was tight, so we didn’t often get to see movies in the theater. Most of our viewings took place at home, in our living room, with generic sodas poured out of 2-liter bottles into Tupperware glasses and popcorn served out of salvaged margarine containers. 

My Mom was repurposing long before we all did it out of guilt.

Dad would often not tell us the name of the show that was about to start.  He preferred to watch our faces and grin widely as we each discovered the night’s entertainment on our own.  Movies were an experience. They were special. So, even if one of them hadn’t previously been of interest to me, it was hard not to be drawn into the excitement of it all.  I learned to excuse things like predictability and campy performances because I was too busy just having fun.

Admit it - your heart beat just a bit faster when you saw this.

I think I’ve carried that into my adulthood.  When selecting movies or TV shows, I tend to ignore reviews and ratings and just go with what entertains me - which is how I became a fan of Marvel’s Agent Carter – a show about SSR agent Peggy Carter set in the 1940’s.  Peggy is struggling with the assumed death of her love, Steve Rogers (Captain America) as well as the difficulty of asserting herself in a field dominated by egocentric men who continually underestimate her abilities and validity. She finds herself undermining the agency to get them off the trail of an innocent associate, Howard Stark.

Even though the show wasn’t really getting as much traction in the ratings as hoped, I absolutely loved to tune in each week just to watch such a fun, strong, female character kick the crap out of everything that got in her way.

Gentlemen, I'll make this brief.

I sincerely looked forward to it. So when they introduced Dottie Underwood in episode 3, I didn’t really care that her over-the-top chumminess and southern accent told me right away she would turn out to be Peggy’s foe. And in that same episode, when a concealed character drove up behind an SSR agent with a suspect in custody and murdered them both in the street, I was actually excited to turn to my husband without hesitation and say, “It was Dottie.” The sudden body count paired with the addition of a new, suspicious character added up in my head. I also couldn’t think of any other existing characters the writers could afford to tarnish in that way, not without completely upsetting viewers and digging up roots that had already been planted.

If the ease with which I had figured out Dottie’s actual purpose had offended me, I probably would have been taking myself and the show a bit too seriously.  I may be fully capable of picking story lines apart until there’s nothing left to enjoy, but why?  I’m much more content to channel that wide-eyed kid my Dad loved to surprise instead.

Sure, I had a pretty good idea how things were going to end, but I still wanted to watch it play out.  And I’m glad I did, because I would have completely missed out on learning how to efficiently disarm an intruder in my home. 

And I would have never figured out the fastest way to travel down several flights of stairs.

And I would have kicked myself for passing up the opportunity to see Peggy toss Dottie out a window! (I'm pretty sure every woman has fantasized about doing this to another woman at some point in her life. If not, she just hasn't met the right woman yet.)

Check out Tracy Krimmer's post on May 4th to see what she figured out before you and me!

Stupid Movie Blog Tour

Thanks to Deb Nam Krane for allowing us all to let down our intellectual guard for a bit to delve into our favorite Stupid Movies.

I’m a sucker for British Comedy and I’m an even bigger sucker for Simon Pegg, so it only makes sense that the films that make up the Cornetto Trilogy are my idea of a perfectly stupid good time. But it's not just about the laughs for me. True, these films are hilariously funny, but they all use comedy to covey a message that's even more sickeningly sweet than the tasty treat they've come to be named after.  Stick around as I unwrap each one below.
 



Shaun, is in a bit of a rut. He’s not excited about his job, he gets dumped by his girlfriend and he’s at odds with his flat mate over the constant presence of his freeloading best friend, Ed. Just when he decides to put things right, absolutely everything goes to shit due to a zombie outbreak.

 

Favorite Moments

Shaun and Ed watch events unfold on the news, and realize that they have left the front door of the flat open, again.  

Shaun protests when David calls Ed his boyfriend. Ed hands Shaun a pint. Shaun winks and says “Thanks, Babe.” 

Ed, Shaun and Liz beat a zombified barkeeper with pool cues in time to Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now,” which has unexpectedly started blaring from the jukebox.
 

 

Favorite Quote

“Just look at the face – it’s vacant, with a hint of sadness, like a drunk who’s lost a bet.” –Dianne as she’s providing lessons to the others on how to act like the zombies




 

Nicholas is a badass cop. He is, in fact, such a badass cop that the other cops are tired of being shown up by him all the time so they transfer him to a small village. There, he struggles to fit into their seemingly idyllic (but secretly murderous) scene while maintaining his by the book lifestyle.
 

Favorite Moments

Early in the film, Nicholas and the innkeeper exchange what could be taken as unpleasant words were they not within the context of the solutions to the crossword puzzle the innkeeper is working on.  Later in the film, they exchange the same words over gunfire.
 

 

Nicholas shouts an f-bomb as he desperately tries to get his thick-headed colleagues to believe his theory that all of the town’s “accidents” are actually murders. Danny drops a coin into the swear box.

Danny tricks the NWA (Neighborhood Watch Association) into believing that he has killed and disposed of Nicholas, but Nicholas returns to town, heavily armed and ready to enforce the law.

 

Favorite Quote

“He is not Judge Judy and executioner!” – Danny, regarding his power hungry father



Gary King convinces his four high-school best friends to return to their old hometown to take another shot at “the Golden Mile,” a pub crawl they failed to fully complete as seniors 20 years ago. Once there, they discover the old adage, “You can never go home” rings exceptionally true for them because the town has been taken over by robot/aliens.
 

Favorite Moments

The “WTF” discussion…
 

 

After the group finds themselves in danger, they decide Andrew, who has been drinking water all night and hasn’t had a drink in sixteen years should be the one to chauffer them all to safety. They simultaneously turn to face him, and find him steadily downing an entire tray of shots.

 

 

When they are surrounded by robot/aliens, Andrew hulks out and starts an all-out brawl.

 

The fate of the human race somehow falls into the hands of three completely hammered men who actually represent us with more passion and strength than any politician ever has or could.

 

Favorite Quote

Gary: “I think you bit off more than you can chew with Earth, mate.”

Andrew: “Yeah! Because we’re more belligerent, more stubborn, and more idiotic than you could ever imagine.”

So, aside from the brief homages to delicious ice cream treats, what else do these three films have in common?

Well, for one, poor, unsuspecting garden fences.

 

 

 

But also, despite the surface level stupidity, they each convey a pretty deep message about friendship: When you love somebody, even if it's just a bromance, you stand by them, all the way to the World’s End.

Mmmm...I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready for a snack!

Be sure to check out Monique McDonell's blog on Friday to see what movie makes her gears stop turning.